Icha Icha
by Levi Ackerman
Summary: Kakashi attempts to cheer up a depressed Tenten with porn; chaos ensues. One-shot. Crack. Post-war. Post manga chapter 700. Pairings: Implied NejiTen. NaruHina. SasuSaku. Mentioned ShikaTemo and InoSai. SasuNaru bromance. BoruSara (not necessarily romantic).


_Disclaimer - I don't own Naruto, Kishimoto does. And on the note of Kishimoto: thank you, sensei for so many glorious years. I grew up on Naruto. Your characters were an inspiration, and you even made my OTP a reality. Your story will live on forever! _

_A/N - Hey guys, you may remember me better by my old penname HighQueen which I was using when I was writing Naruto fics. I haven't published a Naruto fic in... over a year possibly? Maybe longer. Been up to date with the manga, and now that it ended and two of my favorite couples (SasuSaku, NaruHina) were canonized, that probably will change._

_I decided to start with this oneshot. It's a mix of absolute crack and a tiny bit of angst which I needed to get out of my system. Mostly crack, and fun team interactions. Implied NejiTen; and of course SasuSaku, NaruHina, mentions of ShikaTema and InoSai. BoruSara bonding/fighting/fun interactions and SasuNaru bromance. Just a few snippets from the post-war period that I hope you'll enjoy. It's a bit serious and bordering on angst, but it gets light-hearted soon enough. _

_I warned you about the pairings, so if you don't like, don't read :) also do keep in mind that this is crack. Otherwise, please read and review. I hope you enjoy this. I'm returning to the Naruto fandom (as a writer) after a long time, so I hope I haven't lost my touch!_

* * *

><p><strong>Icha Icha<strong>

* * *

><p>"Tenten~!"<p>

The brunette turned at the sound of her friend's bubbly voice as Ino draped herself over Tenten's shoulders, blue eyes glazed and cheeks flushed.

"How drunk are you?" Tenten asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you judging me?" Ino drew back, offended.

"I'm _not _judging you." Tenten rolled her eyes, and then grinned. "Honestly! I'm genuinely asking so I know whether you'll need me sober to drag your ass back home. Shikamaru seems kind of… occupied."

He was. With Temari. Tenten had walked in on them awhile ago, and quickly walked away. She shouldn't have been surprised, when Ino and Chouji had entered the party alone. Still, she was surprised Sand had sent a delegation on this momentous day - or perhaps it was just Temari, herself, visiting.

Exactly three years had passed since the Fourth Shinobi World War's end and Madara's defeat. Though a large part of the day had been spent in mourning those who had lost their lives protecting the shinobi world, as night rolled in, so did the parties - and the sake. Lots and lots of sake.

It was rumored that Rokudaime Hatake Kakashi himself had ordered for a special stash of exquisite foreign liquor, three entire boxes that he was hoarding to himself, and select teammates and friends. It was also rumored, judging from the ruckus that had shook the Hokage Tower a few hours prior, that the previous Godaime - now having a shot battle with her pink-haired apprentice as a frazzled Shizune struggled to keep up - had consumed an entire box herself.

Tenten watched the spectacle, impressed by the way Tsunade and Sakura gulped down vodka as if it were water - but then again, judging from the slight glowing of Sakura's fingertips, it was highly likely that she was misusing some sort of medical ninjutsu to flush the alcohol out of her own system before it had time to affect her.

Ino followed her gaze, and snorted. "Forehead's totally cheating. That bitch."

"Ah." Tenten nodded, scanning the room over. A few tables away, Naruto and Sasuke were locked in an epic, bromantic shot-battle of their own, falling into each other's personal space as they gulped drink after drink, with no knowledge of medical ninjutsu to cancel the effects.

Lee was, fortunately for Tenten, at home, after having come down with a bad case of flu and being ordered two days of bedrest by Sakura. She missed his company, but was slightly relieved - Lee and alcohol was never a good combination, and having him destroy the restaurant would just bring back painful memories of _another _time he had destroyed the restaurant, but Tenten hadn't been alone in stopping him and -

Tenten sighed, shaking her head and clearing her mind of the thoughts. She was at a party. She couldn't think about that.

Luckily, with Ino around, there was always a distraction.

"- your question, _no, _you don't have to remain sober, I am perfectly capable of taking care of _myself, _thank you, and Shikamaru is free to do what he wants with whoever he wants though I'm surprised he doesn't find it _troublesome. _Then again, judging by how many times he's used that damned word to describe _Temari, _I don't think that's what he means when he says it anymore..."

Tenten was only half-listening to Ino's ramblings as she watched Sasuke and Naruto stagger over to Sakura, Naruto hollering something about team shots and how 'baa-chan don't you think you're a bit old for that much sake' to which Tsunade promptly smacked him, sending him flying across the bar. He was rescued by Hinata, who sweetly helped him up, and the two made their way back towards Sasuke and Sakura, Naruto accosting Sai on the way.

"- and even if I'm smashed it doesn't matter, because _guess _who asked me to accompany him to the afterparty?"

This part caught Tenten's attention, and she turned around, raising an eyebrow.

"So you and Sai finally decided to take a step from shameless public flirting to shameless public dating? Good job."

She had expected it. It was only a matter of time, after all.

"You mean _he _finally decided to admit he was ridiculously _in love _with me," Ino scoffed, before shrugging.

"Those Team Seven afterparties are a big deal, Ino." Tenten smirked. "Hinata's only been to two, and she and Naruto have been dating for months."

"It doesn't mean anything," Ino said, waving her off. "He just wants me drunk so - well. Nothing."

Tenten rolled her eyes, prying Ino's arms off from around her. "Just admit it already. You like him."

Ino prepared her most condescending bitch-face. "Tenten. _Please. _He's hot, I'm just into him for the action - "

"Alright, alright."

"Seriously!"

"I believe you."

"You don't," Ino said, scrutinizing her through narrow eyes. "But anyways. The afterparty. Shikamaru and Temari are coming too… I think. So it's not just a Team Seven thing. Didn't Sakura tell you about it? You're coming too, of course!"

"Ah, she might have, I can't remember," Tenten lied. Sakura had, indeed, told her about it. Threatened her more like, with a painful hospital visit if she bailed, but that was Sakura and how she showed her love. Naruto had told her as well. And Hinata.

"Well, I've told you about it now. You're coming, right?"

"I…" Tenten broke off, wondering how best to word her refusal.

She couldn't blame it on Lee. Just yesterday she had bailed on Sakura's invitation to lunch with the rest of Team Seven plus Hinata and Ino saying that she had promised to keep Lee company in the hospital - which she ended up doing, since Kiba, Shino and Chouji hadn't come back from their mission and Shikamaru had ditched on the pretext of it being too troublesome, which she now realized probably meant he had been busy strengthening foreign relations with Suna.

The time before that she had voluntarily engaged in Lee and Gai's midnight training madness to avoid a bar-hopping fest (more like a Sasuke versus Naruto drinking showdown from the stories she heard from Sakura later).

She had always been close to Hinata, and had grown a lot closer to Ino and Sakura after the war, especially Ino, once Hinata started officially dating Naruto and Sakura started unofficially not-dating Sasuke, and both kunoichi found themselves without half of their female group. Not to mention with Ino's best friend now finally reunited with her former team and Tenten's best friend… not around anymore, they both ended up spending a lot of time together.

But now Ino was going to start dating Sai very soon, from the look of it. And Tenten didn't begrudge her this even the slightest, not at all…

But she didn't want to be a seventh-wheel on a triple date. They wouldn't leave her out - Naruto, Sakura and Hinata were all very good at making people feel included. And yet despite that, she _knew _that when she glanced it - an empty chair, a tender gaze between a couple, a subtle touch - it would fill her with a longing and loneliness that she couldn't bear.

"I - I can't tonight." Tenten swallowed. "I have - to see someone."

It was vague, and she knew Ino didn't believe her, and she could feel the pitying blue gaze on

her back as she walked away, and she _hated _it.

Besides, she hadn't lied about needing to see someone. Tenten reached into her pocket, fingers skimming over the cold metal of a scratched forehead protector that hadn't been worn in over three years.

_You have your dates. I'll have mine._

* * *

><p>Gai sighed as he watched the female member of his team walk out of the bar far too early, just as he had suspected. He would have gone after her, but he knew she'd act cheerful and like nothing was wrong. Ever since the war, neither Gai nor Lee had seen Tenten cry, or even falter. They had seen traces of it - puffy eyes the morning before training, tear-tracked cheeks - but she always denied it and refused to talk about it.<p>

There was no point following her, either. He knew where she was going - the memorial stone. She never once visited with him or Lee, but Kakashi had seen her there, many times, by herself.

"Still worried about her?" Kakashi asked from the seat next to him, setting an empty glass down.

Gai jumped slightly, eyeing the empty wineglass.

"That was cheating, Kakashi!" he accused. "I was distracted watching over Tenten - "

"Ninja aren't supposed to get distracted during important missions," Kakashi teased, adjusting his mask higher as if to taunt him.

"We're not on a mission."

"Whatever twisted self-commanded mission you have to see what's under my mask," Kakashi said shrewdly, and Gai gulped.

"So you caught me! As expected of my eternal rival!"

"So that's why you said no to shots and wanted something that could be 'enjoyed'. How much did Naruto offer to pay you for a description?"

"Nothing. I was actually curious myself. It's been over twenty years of eating and drinking with you and I still haven't seen your face!"

"Well."

"And back to your question. Yes. I'm worried about her. I always will be."

"It's hard losing a loved one," Kakashi said quietly. "She and Neji-kun were close, weren't they. I even heard rumors."

"Whatever rumors Ino told Sakura are probably right." Gai sighed. "She still won't admit it though."

"So they were dating? Before - before the war?"

"Not officially. But I - I saw them, a few times. Didn't want to embarrass them, so I acted like I didn't know."

"How unlike you. I thought embarrassing teammates was a crucial part of your nindou."

"I would never interrupt two flowers about to bloom into the springtime of their youth."

"Did they?"

"Did they what?"

"Did they ever - _bloom_?"

"Keep those sick thoughts to your depraved book, Kakashi, and not my students. And I don't know! They were very secretive about it all, and given that Neji had the Byakugan, they were hard to sneak up on."

"...so you did sneak up on them."

"I just happened to be in his blind spot."

"Even so."

"They'd been together for - at least a year before the war."

"That must make it really tough for her. Poor Tenten."

"I've tried talking to her. I just don't know what to do."

Kakashi was struck by an idea then, so brilliant, so simple - and he cursed himself at not having thought of this a couple years earlier.

"Gai. Do you mind if I - if _I _try talking to her?"

"_You? _I'm her teacher and you're my eternal rival. She's not going to open up to you."

"Well. I've lost people precious to me as well. I think - I think she and I can connect on a certain level. Not to mention I'm a _lot _better-looking than you."

"Kakashi, are you about to hit on my student? Because if you are, I will have to challenge you _right _now, and it will be a death-match - "

"I'm not, I'm _not_," Kakashi assured him. "Not even close to it. But I do have an idea that I think could cheer her up _considerably._"

He winked, before standing up and heading towards his team, grabbing his Hokage hat off of the head of a hyperactive blond who had claimed it an hour earlier, and sauntered out, cape billowing behind him.

* * *

><p>"Tenten."<p>

The brunette didn't even flinch as he appeared behind her in a sudden swirl of leaves.

"Hokage-sama," she said flatly. "Nice to see you here. Again."

"Kakashi-sensei will do when we're alone. I see you're visiting Neji-kun."

"...yes."

"My apologies if this question may seem a bit sudden, or out-of-place. But Tenten. Do you like to read?"

"Read? What do you mean - "

"Books. Do you like reading books?"

"Uh… never really thought about it?"

"I find they are a very good pastime, a good way to fill the emptiness in your heart, or at least cover it - "

"What are you talking about?"

* * *

><p><em>13 years later<em>

"-AND I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS DATTEBASA!"

"Given you kick like a pre-academy _child _I doubt that would do much harm."

Tenten sighed as she made her way towards the training ground. They were at it again, and she did _not _look forward to breaking up this fight.

"I'M SORRY FOR PREFERRING JUTSU THAT HARM MY OPPONENT RATHER THAN THE ENTIRE TRAINING GROUND-"

"And _I'm _sorry for preferring jutsu that _don't _look like they've come out of the Icha Icha Paradise movie!"

Tenten stiffened slightly. _Why _was her twelve-year old genin student even aware of the existence of that movie? She was going to have to chat with Sakura later. Or maybe Kakashi. It was, in all probability, Kakashi's fault.

"OI! MY GREAT GODFATHER JIRAIYA-SAMA WROTE THOSE BOOKS YOU BITCH-"

"And I heard both the late Orochimaru-san _and _the former Godaime kicked _his _ass, usuratonkachi."

Tenten sighed. So they were going onto mentors now? That was never a good sign. Sooner or later it would disintegrate into -

"OROCHIMARU?! YOU MEAN THE CREEPY SNAKE-MAN YOUR DAD RAN OFF WITH?! EVEN YOUR MOM HATES HIM!"

"DON'T INSULT MY FATHER, YOU ASSHOLE! IF I RECALL HE'S A LOT STRONGER THAN YOURS!"

"REMIND ME AGAIN WHO'S HOKAGE?"

"CHIDORI!"

"RASENGAN!"

"Good morning, kids!" Tenten burst into the clearing, firing a volley of kunai at them both. Cursing, both Boruto and Sarada were forced to angle away as they dodged, their jutsu fizzling and dying away.

"You're late!" Boruto announced as he scrambled back up, blue irises blazing as the veins around his eyes receded, Byakugan deactivating. He was covered in scratches, mud and seemingly non-threatening burns.

"Good morning sensei," Sarada said politely, straightening her hair and patting her skirt as her eyes faded back from Sharingan to black. It was amazing how she achieved the transformation from bloodthirsty to angelic in just seconds, but that was probably a talent inherited from her mother (who, according to Ino and her experience in Sakura's mind, was _definitely _bipolar). Aside from the small cut on her cheek, not a hair was out of place - this disturbing ability to look flawless even amidst the most furious scuffle was undoubtedly a trait that had been passed down from her father. Probably an Uchiha thing. Though judging from Tenten's former teammate, the Hyuuga sometimes possessed that affinity as well. So maybe just an elite clan thing.

"How many times." Tenten bit out exasperatedly. "Have I told you two. _No using S-rank killing jutsu against one another in spars!"_

"But she started it!" Boruto whined, looking at Tenten piteously. Tenten scowled at him. She was _not _going to fall for that wide-eyed puppy-dog look. Hinata pulled off innocence a lot better than her son did.

"I most certainly did _not_," Sarada informed Tenten, a lot less piteously. Because Uchiha did not sulk on principle, even though Tenten detected the beginnings of a pout forming on the little girl's rosy lips.

"She called me a dobe - ttebasa!"

"I was only stating the obvious," Sarada said prissily, lifting her dainty nose. Every little motion of hers dripped with condescension that only an Uchiha could manage to inject.

Though Tenten preferred when she was in her snob-mode. Sarada's other mode - basically, a slightly less violent version of pissed-off-Sakura-mode - was a lot harder to deal with.

"-and _everyone _knows that you can't summon without a blood contract in addition to the hand seals-" Sarada had begun her pedantic recital.

"Stop acting like such a know-it-all!"

"-and given who your father is, it's _disgraceful _that _you_ forgot that particular detail, hence you _are _a dobe."

"I _knew _it -ttebasa, I was just _asking _whether your dad made two contracts or one and how he can still summon both if - "

"Because he is _awesome,_" Sarada Uchiha stated plainly.

"Not as awesome as _my _- "

"No. No. _Stop it_," Tenten said firmly. "Your fathers would _not _approve of you using _them _as an excuse to get into more fights."

Which was a lie. Because Sasuke and Naruto certainly would. In fact, they would probably egg them on.

Sarada and Boruto seemed to be well aware of this fact and stared at their sensei unconvinced. Tenten opted for another approach.

"You know I am _very _good friends with _both _of your mothers - "

"You would really sink that low and blackmail us?" Sarada asked haughtily, raising a perfect little eyebrow and placing her hands on her hips.

"That's cheap!" Boruto added, temporarily siding with his nemesis, and Sarada sneered at him.

"Nobody asked _you, _dobe."

"Shut your face or I'll make you!"

Tenten clenched her kunai, pondering the best way to make her two brats _shut the hell up _while also wondering at the whereabouts of her third. Probably on his four hundred and ninety ninth lap around the village.

With a mini-Rock Lee and the spawn of both Naruto, and Sasuke and Sakura, Tenten sure had her job cut out for her. (Hinata was an angel, and Tenten was initially hoping that something other than her Byakugan had been passed onto Boruto, but apparently all the sweetness had been transferred solely to Himawari, and Boruto was, essentially a mini-Naruto clone; teamed with Sasuke's kid, it was a dangerous combination.)

Business at her weapon shop hadn't been great since it was relatively peaceful, but when she said she wanted excitement, this non-stop _freakshow _was _not _what she had expected. She also had no idea how she had ended up with such a stacked team. Weren't genin teams supposed to be balanced?

Not that any of the teams in their year had been balanced at all. The Sandaime's attempt to 'balance' Team Kakashi and Gai by pairing the number-one rookie with the dead-last hadn't worked out that way, since both dead-lasts proved to be geniuses in their own right. And overpowered crazy people.

Sarada had been the number-one rookie, and claimed the title of Top Kunoichi as well; it was the first time in history that a female had gotten the number-one rookie spot. Boruto would have probably tied with her had he put in half as much effort into his work as he did in pranks and perpetually defacing the Hokage monument.

When she was offered the position of a Jounin instructor, Tenten had been expecting Lee's kid. She knew Lee wanted her as his teacher because of her experience as a member of Konoha's Number One Taijutsu Squad. And her experience with dealing with Lee, and youth, and all that came with it.

She had known there was a good chance that she would get Boruto, since she knew Hinata had wanted her for him; plus she was well-experienced with the Byakugan and had more knowledge about its workings, strengths and weaknesses than even some of that Hyuga clan members.

She hadn't expected Sarada. She knew she wouldn't get the new InoShikaCho trio; they had gone, most fittingly, to the young Konohamaru Sarutobi. But she had expected a clanless kid to balance out Boruto and mini-Lee, both of whom were ridiculously talented for their age.

It probably had something to do with the fact that despite Naruto and Sasuke had loudly proclaimed in public that they would _never_ want their perfect, precious son/daughter on the same team as teme/dobe's daughter/son, they had both respectively misused their authority and threatened whoever it was that made genin teams to make sure that their kids landed up in the same squad.

Which mean that Tenten got Boruto and Sarada both.

She supposed it made sense - she _did _after all have a well-practiced ability to deal with even the prissiest and snobbiest ninja and make them warm up to her. Sakura had told her that Sarada - who hated on most people as a rule and considered them beneath her - spoke quite highly of Tenten from the first day itself.

Tenten suspected this had something to do with her own rather terrifying weapon jutsu exhibition and the slight sadistic streak that Sarada had undoubtedly inherited from both of her parents. Sarada had, after all, begged Tenten countless times to teach her Twin Rising Dragons. Tenten didn't know if it was a good idea yet - the kid could already smash open the ground and use the chidori (Sasuke _really _shouldn't be teaching his kid S-rank jutsu, but then again the Nanadaime had done the same with his son, so she really couldn't say much) - was it really a good idea to equip Sarada with more weapons of mass destruction? Tenten suggested that Sarada learn medical ninjutsu, something _healing _rather than destructive, but Sarada hadn't quite started down that path yet, though Tenten was sure she would, eventually.

And then there was Boruto. Who already knew the rasengan, an entire range of entirely inappropriate modifications of the sexy jutsu, all the Hyuuga jutsu, and was currently pestering Tenten to get permission from Naruto to get him a blood contract so that he could summon toads. Though Boruto had seemed to have his mind set on summoning _dogs _like Kakashi-sensei, and had then wondered if one could summon more than one creature.

Which was, as Tenten recalled, the question that had started the jab that had blown up into Sarada versus Boruto part fifty seven, if her last count served right.

Drawn back out of her thoughts, Tenten looked back to her squabbling students and sighed. They would very soon switch from taijutsu to ninjutsu if she didn't intervene. She settled on spandex suits and morning training with Lee Sr. as a threat. It had worked _extremely _well the last time, at least on Boruto and Sarada.

"You're going down, bitch!" Boruto hollered, aiming a roundhouse kick at Sarada's head.

"I'd like to see you try!" Sarada dodged and flipped over, releasing a flurry of shuriken.

"Take that!" Boruto shouted, parrying them on and hurling the kunai at Sarada while punching her with his other hand.

She blocked, catching the kunai just before it impaled itself in her forehead and sneered.

"Your aim sucks, dobe."

"I guess it does if I missed. Your forehead is a pretty big target."

Tenten winced as Sarada quickly transformed into enraged-Sakura-mode, clenching her fists, her red eyes wild. "DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOVE THIS KUNAI UP YOUR SHEATH?!"

Tenten nearly choked on her own spit.

"H-huh?" Boruto froze, eyes narrowing as he scratched his head. "That - uh - that made no sense."

"Because you're a _moron _who fails to comprehend good insults!" Sarada shot back.

"No, but actually. How would you putting your kunai in my sheath for me be a bad thing? I could just take it out and point it right back at you -"

"Okay. _Stop. _And shut up. Both of you. Now." Tenten leaped down from the tree branch, kunai gleaming in her hand as she spun it around menacingly.

Her students seemed to realize that their sensei meant what she said, and immediately drew away from one another.

"Sarada…" Tenten stared at the little Uchiha girl, who stared back unashamedly, black eyes wide.

"Yes sensei?" Sarada blinked innocently. "Did I say or do something wrong?"

_You can't shove your kunai into his sheath for one thing given you don't have one, and - no. No. _That was _not _what Tenten wanted to teach them. Not yet, at least. She would deal with the horror of hormones later, but thankfully they hadn't reached that point yet. The kids were twelve.

_So why in the name of Gai's green spandex is Sarada spouting off lines like that!?_

"Where - where did you pick that up from?"

"Pick what up from?"

"That - kunai and sheath thing you said right now? You couldn't have made that insult up by yourself, right?"

"Please, like she's smart enough to make up things that aren't outside textbooks," Boruto scoffed, and Sarada's eyes glinted red.

"Boruto." Tenten said between clenched teeth. "Do you _want _to wear spandex for the next week because I _know _your other teammate's father has an entire stack that he's just _dying _to gift to his favorite little genin - "

"No thank you, Tenten-sensei!" Boruto squeaked. "I'll shut up!"

Tenten turned back to her female student. "Sarada?"

"What?"

"Where did you learn that - insult? Did you - read it somewhere, maybe?"

Tenten knew Sarada was a bookworm, but there was no way she could have gotten her hands on such adult material. Unless…

_I bet it's all Kakashi's fault. Sasuke and Sakura are going to kill him._

"I heard papa use it once," Sarada admitted. "When he was fighting with mama."

Tenten had to stop herself from gaping.

"A-are you sure they were _fighting, _Sarada?" she asked, her voice slightly choked.

"They were on the bed wrestling and mama's clothes were all ripped when I walked in," Sarada said. "Papa said they were sparring."

Tenten didn't know whether she wanted to smirk, laugh or shiver in disgust from an entirely _unwanted _image, accompanied by _dialogue _this time.

She couldn't wait to tell Ino though. It would make good blackmail material. Everyone's initial assumption that the Last Uchiha was asexual was immediately dismissed once he made his wife pregnant, but Tenten wouldn't have pinned him as the kinky type.

_Out of Naruto and Sasuke… I can't believe that Sasuke is the one using pickup lines from Icha Icha to seduce his wife! _

* * *

><p>Tenten bumped into the parents of her students later that night, eating dinner at Ichiraku's. Shino and Kiba were there as well.<p>

"Oh look!" Sakura beamed at her. "It's Tenten-sensei! Come, grab a bite!"

"Don't call me that," Tenten said, rolling her eyes as she slid onto the seat next to Sakura. "Lee and I actually planned to eat dinner here as well. He's late though."

"I saw him walking around the village on his hands awhile ago," Kiba offered.

"Figures." Tenten snorted. "Probably has a few hundred more laps to go."

"That's okay, we're going to be here for awhile. I haven't seen fuzzy-brows for ages!" Naruto said enthusiastically. "How's Boruto doing? Kicking teme's daughter's ass?"

"_Dobe_." Sasuke flicked his forehead from next to him. "We both know Sarada is one up in terms of spar wins."

"You keep track of their wins and losses?" Kiba looked stunned.

"They're very mature about this entire competition thing," Sakura said sweetly, her voice dripping with sarcasm, before she turned to Sasuke and Naruto. "And if you two even _dare _to _begin _a who's-kid-is-stronger shouting match here and humiliate us all and get us kicked out, I will break _both _of your faces."

"Sakura-chaaaan! Teme started it! And besides, jii-chan will never kick me out, he loves me, I'm his favorite customer and the source of half his revenue!"

"Sakura," Sasuke said seriously. "You cannot possibly convince me that a kid of _Naruto's _is in any way superior to _our _daughter."

"Exactly, Sasuke-kun. It's obvious who wins which is why you shouldn't even waste your breath fighting with him over it."

Sasuke smirked, Naruto yelled out expletives, and Sakura added guiltily, "Sorry, Hinata. I didn't really mean it like that." She leaned over, whispering. "It's just, we can't lose to Naruto, you know? Team rivalry and what not."

"I understand," Hinata said, smiling serenely.

"Speaking of Sarada," Tenten said, narrowing her eyes as she looked at Sasuke. "She said the most _interesting _thing to Boruto today during their spar."

"What did your daughter say to my son, huh?!"

"_Naruto-kun."_

"Naruto! Shut up!"

"Shut up, dobe."

Naruto sulked but shut up obediently, and Hinata patted his arm in conciliation.

Sasuke looked over at Tenten. "What did she say to Boruto?"

"They were fighting, their usual insult battle, you know - _stop looking so proud you two!" _Tenten cried exasperatedly; Naruto and Sasuke had identical looks of smugness on their faces.

"Go on," Sakura told her, bopping Naruto on the head and glaring at her husband.

"And then Sarada said - '_do you want me to shove my kunai up your sheath?'_"

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura all simultaneously choked on their ramen, before exploding.

"Sarada said _what?!"_

"You _must _have misheard her."

"TEME! WHY IS YOUR DAUGHTER HITTING ON MY SON?!"

"Hitting on?! Like hell she was hitting on him! Boruto is the one who is in _love _with Sarada!"

"_What? _Why have you not told me about this before, Sakura?"

"Oh! It's - uh - a completely one-sided thing, Sasuke-kun, don't worry about it - "

"Oi, Sakura-chan! I totally caught Sarada-chan stalking Boruto!"

"Naruto, my daughter would _never _stalk your son. Usuratonkachi."

"Tch. Please. She totally would. She's your daughter after all. She must have picked up some of your creepy habits."

"What?! _You're _the one who ran after _me _for years. Moron."

"Don't forget it was _you _said I was your bestest bestest friend in the whoooole world-"

"For a second can you two idiots _not _make this into some homoerotic couple-fight about _you_! These are our _kids _we are talking about, shannaro!"

"Sakura. Don't call me an idiot. Don't group me in with _Naruto._"

"I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun. Don't sulk. I love you."

"I'm _not _sulking."

"Hee hee."

"Wait wait. Hold on a second. Sarada-chan can't even _do _that, she doesn't have a kunai, does she…?"

"Naruto! Baka! She's my daughter! How dare you suggest - "

"All of you, _shut it!" _Tenten screeched, slamming her hands on the table. "And Sasuke, for your information, Sarada heard _you _say it. To your dear wife. Apparently she walked in on you and Sakura 'sparring' or that's the excuse you gave her - "

"WHAT?! TEME USES ICHA ICHA PICKUP LINES IN BED WITH SAKURA-CHAN?! I HAVE GOT TO TELL KAKASHI-SENSEI THIS!"

"Dobe! _Shut up_! _Don't _tell Kakashi! It's _not _true - Sakura - tell them it's not true!"

Sasuke was panicking and Naruto was rolling around in hysterics, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"I - I didn't realize - at the time - " Sakura was bright red.

"You read Icha Icha?" Kiba snorted. "Would have never taken you for _that _kind of guy, Sasuke."

"Why are you all looking at me?! What about Naruto!" Sasuke pointed at Naruto, Sharingan whirling furiously. "How did you know that was a line from Icha Icha?"

"Don't try that trick on me, I'm proud to have read those books. _My _sensei taught them to me after all. But yours - yours - " Naruto dissolved into laughter again.

"_What now, dobe?!"_

"Don't you think it's ironic! While Jiraiya trained me, you ran off with Orochimaru - "

"I did not _run off _with him - "

"And I thought maybe you'd have developed a snake fetish or tongue fetish or something - "

"What the fuck, Naruto?!"

"And yet it wasn't me but _you _who used lines from _my _mentor's books to dirty talk your wife into having sex with you. What _would _Orochimaru say? They were rivals, you know!"

"I wasn't - we weren't - " Sasuke spluttered, face red. "I don't _care _what Orochimaru would say, damnit! Usuratonkachi!"

Sakura, who seemed to have finally recovered, turned to Sasuke, her cheeks flushed pink.

"Sasuke-kun! I can't believe you used lines from Icha Icha Violence to try to get into my pants!"

"I'm sorry Sakura, but if I recall correctly, you quite liked it - "

"GROSS!" Naruto screeched. "WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR MORE OF YOUR DIRTY TALK, TEME, ONCE IS QUITE ENOUGH!"

"Dobe, you're just jealous, if you even tried opening your mouth in bed, Hinata would just leave you."

"Wanna bet?"

"It's on."

"I'LL SHOW YOU!"

"_No,_" Sakura said firmly, fists glowing with chakra. "There will be no showing of _anything_. Half this village still thinks you two are gay for each other."

"I - I didn't mean it like that at _all, _Sakura-chan, I _swear_," Naruto said quickly. "Hinata-chan, you _know _I only love you - "

"I know that, Naruto-kun, don't worry."

"Sakura, for the hundredth time, I am _not _gay for him. _He _may have a crush on me but I assure you it is entirely one-sided and - "

"It was a _joke, _Sasuke-kun. People do that sometimes. Joke about things."

"- and - and - well, first-kisses don't mean anything, you know," Naruto rambled on, and Hinata just shook her head, sighing.

"I never held it against you or him, Naruto-kun."

"-and I totally wish it had been you instead - "

"But there's nothing wrong in admitting you enjoyed it, Naruto-kun." A teasing smile pulled at Hinata's lips and Naruto looked utterly betrayed.

"Not you too!"

"Sasuke-kun. Naruto. I cannot believe you _both _read Kakashi-sensei's depraved books!"

"Hey, I had to do it to honor Ero-sennin - "

"Fine," Sakura agreed, before turning to her husband, green eyes narrowing. "What about _you_?"

"What about me?"

"Don't give me that crap! Do you know how much of his giggling and crap I had to put up with when you were gone, Sasuke-kun? How much embarrassment in front of clients during missions as he shamelessly read them? All the prissy old ladies who judged him at the Hokage coronation, and _I _had to be the one sticking up for his admittedly questionable morale - "

"Sakura, I - "

"When did he even give them to you? Don't tell me it was during the Chuunin exams, that time you both disappeared - "

"No! It was - it was _after _I came back to Konoha."

"And when on earth did you become a closet pervert, Sasuke-kun?! What's next? Do you and Naruto go on bonding missions to the women's onsen together - "

Hinata gasped, and Naruto screeched out his protest. "I haven't done that for _years _Sakura-chan! _Years_!"

"Sakura, I'm not interested in - "

"Can you secretly use the sexy jutsu?"

"Sakura-chan, there is no way teme is capable of using such complex, high-level techniques."

"Why on earth would you think I would use that imbecile jutsu?"

"I don't know, you read Icha Icha Violence, anything is possible!"

"Sakura."

"You act like you're _so _immune to sexuality and so _pure _and _cold _about all this but - "

"_Sakura."_

"You're a hypocrite! And a _hentai_!"

"Stop acting like you're not secretly thrilled about this, Sakura."

"Sa-Sasuke-kun!"

"Hn."

"Don't 'hn' me you horny asshole!"

"Will you guys. Please. Shut. Up." Tenten pulled at her hair; she really should have just told Ino about it and let the blonde wreak her havoc with the information instead.

Shino chose that opportune moment to speak up. "Am I the only one who is wondering how Sakura knew which specific Icha Icha the line was from? If I recall, Naruto never said it was from the Violence volume in particular."

There was a long silence and Sakura went rigid. Then -

"SAKURA-CHAN READS PORN TOO!"

"Traitor."

"That's a bit rich coming from _you, _Sasuke-kun! Naruto, _shut up_! You don't need to tell the whole village!"

"I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL BAA-CHAN! AND KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"NARUTO IF YOU TELL TSUNADE-SHISHOU, I WILL BREAK EVERY LAST BONE IN YOUR BODY! Sorry, Hinata."

"So all of Team Seven reads it?" Kiba laughed. "Wow, you really are Kakashi's students."

"Kakashi-sensei will be _so _proud of us! We can even have icha icha bonding sessions!"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, BAKA?! I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DOING THAT WITH YOU!"

"I meant bonding sessions where _talk _about it! Geez, Sakura-chan, I know you're a hentai, but get your mind out of the gutter. I'm a married man. _Please._"

"Narutooooo," Sakura growled. "Hinata, if you don't get him to shut up, I can't be responsible for what happens next."

"Damnit, teme," Naruto said breathlessly, still laughing. "Learn to control your woman."

"Dobe, do you _want _to _die_? Sakura is _mine_."

"I know, I know, your kunai has already made it's mark in her sheath - "

"_Chidori nagashi!"_

"Ow! Hey! You bastard - take this!"

Tenten took it as her cue to leave. She had to deal with enough of _that _every during practice.

* * *

><p><em>Two years later.<em>

"I hope you three are prepared." Tenten jangled the two bells in her left hand.

Boruto and Sarada looked unimpressed. Lee Jr. was brimming with excitement.

"Sensei! I have trained hard until this day! My flames of youth are burning and I will not let you down!"

"I don't see why we have to do it again," Boruto muttered. "We already passed that stupid test once."

"And you failed to procure even a single bell from me."

"Wasn't the point of the test teamwork and whatnot? Looking underneath the underneath? And not actually the bells? _You _said so yourself," Sarada pointed out.

Tenten cursed mentally. How did Kakashi bullshit his way out of all of this again?

"Well, the test this time is different. I want to see how you've improved. Or are you still telling me that getting two bell is too much of a challenge for the three of you?"

"We will meet this challenge, Tenten-sensei!" Lee Jr. proclaimed fiercely. "We will make you proud of our magnificent growth!"

"Fine. Fine. If you insist." Boruto shrugged, and then looked over sideways at Sarada, who smirked back. They then turned to Tenten with identical, smug little smiles plastered over their faces.

"What?" Tenten asked warily. It was rare for the two to display any sort of unity or teamwork outside of missions and fights.

"Sorry Lee," Sarada said. "I know you wanted to show off your jutsu, but you always have spars for that."

"Huh? What are you talking about."

"I'm afraid Sarada-chan and I have already won this one ttebasa," Boruto said, flashing his teammate a grin.

"Drop the -chan."

"Or what, Sarada-chan?"

"Call me that again and you _die_," Sarada whispered murderously.

"Whatever, Sarada-chan, you've said that the last five times and I'm still not dead," Boruto shot back, grinning at her, his blue eyes twinkling. Sarada's glower intensified. Boruto grinned wider, winking cheekily. Sarada flushed slightly, glowering at him before turning away huffily.

"What are you two babbling about?" Tenten asked impatiently, though she observed the exchange with interest. _That _was an unexpected development - well not _entirely _unexpected, but still.

Sarada and Boruto snapped back to the matter at hand, and exchanged another look.

"Jiro and his blonde teammate end up sleeping together," Sarada began.

"Which is fine because that dude she was dating - what was his name again - well, it doesn't matter, because he dies," Boruto continued.

Tenten's eyes widened. "Wait. Wait - what are you - "

"Nato and Shina hook up too, but then they start dating and get married."

"And Nato's three subordinates - damnit, forgot their names too - but they have a threesome."

"Stop it!" Tenten cried. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

"Just spoiling the plot of the entire Icha Icha series," Sarada said casually.

"Don't pretend like you don't read them. 'Ancient Konoha Weaponry' is just a cover. One which my Byakugan can very well see through," Boruto added, smirking.

"Your fathers put you up to this, didn't they?" Tenten shook her head, hoping to God that Sasuke and Naruto had only revealed plot details and not made their children _read _the books.

"How we obtained the information is irrelevant," Sarada said diplomatically, and Tenten rolled her eyes, seeing right through the circumlocution.

_Touche. It was those two, then. Though her mother may have been on it too. _

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your great scheme, but I - I've already read the entire Icha Icha series. I know what happens, so you're not spoiling anything."

"She admitted it!" Boruto cried, pointing an accusing finger at Tenten.

"I knew she was a closet pervert," Sarada said disdainfully.

"Oh, give me a break! I'm an adult. Look at you two fourteen-year olds trying to blackmail me with porn!"

Sarada and Boruto did not even have the decency to look ashamed, but Lee Jr.'s round eyes grew as wide as dinner plate.

"Sensei! Are you telling me that you engage in the reading of such unsavory and unyouthful material?! The same as Gai-sama's eternal rival?!"

Boruto and Sarada were snickering now, and Tenten scowled at them before turning to her third student.

"Lee, how about we keep this a team secret. Don't tell your father."

"But - "

"It's an order, Lee." Tenten felt bad but she did _not _want to deal with the combined grief of her teammate and her sensei if and when they found out. Softening, she added, "I'll explain after the test is over. It's not what it seems like though."

That seemed to temporarily placate the bowl-haired boy, but Tenten wondered how she would talk her way out of this one.

Boruto and Sarada, on the other hand, looked far too triumphant.

"If you two are feeling proud enough of yourselves for your pointless little trick, why don't we start the bell test and see if you're capable of anything useful?"

"Oh, sensei, you may have read all of Jiraiya-sama's books," Boruto said chuckling. "In fact, we now have proof that you do."

"Which means that you are likely to know that the sequel is coming out. Authored by one of his most ardent disciples," Sarada went on, undoubtedly reciting whatever it is Sasuke and/or Sakura had told her to.

Tenten _did _know about the sequel. She was unsure whether it was Kakashi or Naruto who had authored it. Or Sasuke. She wouldn't put it past him now, not after the revelation that he dropped Icha Icha lines to his wife in bed.

And given that baby Itachi Uchiha was now a little over a year old, Tenten hazarded a guess that given the timing, there was a high likelihood that he was born from an Icha Icha pick up line.

"What is your point?" she asked, losing her patience as she spun a kunai around the finger not occupied with dangling the bells.

"My father, with his high level of influence, managed to procure an early release edition," Boruto said, and Tenten facepalmed, marveling at Naruto's misuse of his power - unless of course, he himself was the author.

Sarada wrinkled her nose slightly, before continuing. "Chapter three follows the adventures of a young brunette kunoichi with a - a weapon fetish and her pale-eyed, long-haired bishounen lover - "

Tenten froze, her blood running cold, and then hot.

Either Naruto was the author (in which case he would have a thousand different weapons embedded into him after she hunted him down) or he was just screwing with her - in which case he was also dead.

Sakura was too sensitive for a prank that crossed _those _lines and Sasuke definitely didn't know her well enough. It was _all _Naruto.

"You know what," Tenten said suddenly, tossing aside the bells, seething. She whipped out the largest of her scrolls.

Sarada, Boruto and Lee Jr. all stared at her, eyes going wide.

"Sensei, what are you - "

"Forget the bells. You're right. It _does _seem a bit redundant given you already passed." Tenten grinned at them. "How about we just right-out fight? Come at me with all you got."

After she kicked their asses and taught them a thing or too, Naruto would be her next target.

And then she had to see a certain masked silver-haired ninja - the man who had started all of this, really - because she _needed _to buy a certain book.

* * *

><p><em>AN - How did you like it? Please read and review! This was very cracky, but I enjoyed writing it. Based on time and interest, I may extend this into a collection of oneshots about the future generation, or just post-700. The kids seem so fun to write, and I also want to write about post-699 SasuSaku interactions. Some would be crack-ish, and others less so - but they would give snapshots into the lives of Boruto, Sarada and the rest~ Let me know what you think of the idea. _

_Also I have NO clue what to call Lee's kid. _

_And Tenten and Neji were totally dating before he died, it's tragic but I will forever consider it canon. Why do you think she ended up being the only Konoha 12 who stayed single? Even Lee got married and Kiba has a girlfriend! She's still faithful to Neji, and once she dies, they'll be reunited in heaven :) _


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